A Keyholder Guide for Life Partners
This article is for the partners of men who want to be locked up. It’s full of ideas and tips for those at the beginning of their domination journey. It’s for those who aren’t sure how to fulfill their submissive partner’s request to not only lock their cock in a cage but also tease, command, and (when necessary) punish them.
However, I realize I’m probably not speaking to that person right now. If I were, this article would have started with something like this: “Bravo! I’m excited you’re eager to join your partner on their chastity journey. Please be assured that the role of the Dominant isn’t something you simply assume overnight, but rather something you learn over time. And this is my offering as you start that journey.”
Instead, I’m guessing it’s the soon-to-be damned that’s reading this. Your cock is currently free. But you’re so desperate to change that and get yourself locked in a LTC male chastity device that you’re doing some research on your partner’s behalf. Well done. How wonderfully intuitive of you. Just make sure you serve this article to them with your head bent and apologize for your boldness.
With this in mind, most of the article will address the Dominant. I respectfully offer you my ideas as a means of inspiration if you don’t know where to start.
For the submissives among you, read what I have to share, and take my messages on board. You may be the bottom, but your keyholder will need your support, reassurance, and cooperation in the beginning.
The 5 Core Dominant Values
Becoming a good Dominant takes practice, especially if you’re embracing this as more than a bit of kinky bedroom BDSM. A fear of failure, the worry you won’t like it, and the apprehension you may feel when communicating your boundaries (What if my partner disagrees?) are all natural, common sense concerns. That’s why it’s worth starting by explaining the role of a Dominant.
There are 5 clear values a Dominant should hold. These should frame your approach to domination.
There are 5 clear values a Dominant should hold. And none of them involve shouting and screaming at your partner 24/7. That’s a stereotype we can drop right now. Rather, these should frame your approach to domination, and become values you base the rest of your Dom style decisions on.
1. Keep the welfare of you and your partner intact. One of the most important values is caring for not only your partner’s interests and welfare but also your own. As the Dominant, you will hold most of the responsibility for the day-to-day workings of your Dom/sub (D/s) relationship. This may sound intimidating, but once you and your partner air your thoughts and views for how you both want this to work it will make more sense. And (hopefully) be less daunting.
2. Confidence is key. Doubting your decisions makes domination difficult. You need to be confident and back the choices you make, not just for yourself but also for your submissive. Subs look to their Dom for guidance and reassurance. And if you can’t deliver that, the dynamic will suffer.
3. Offer compassion and strength. A Dominant may ask for something that pushes their sub to challenge themselves. (Note: This is different from pushing agreed boundaries and limits, which should never be done.) In moments of struggle, the Dominant is there to support their submissive, and give them the strength they need to complete the request. They can then offer compassion, understanding, and even praise (if appropriate).
4. Passion and excitement. Helping a submissive achieve the outcomes they want is extremely rewarding. A Dominant who fully embraces their role will be excited and eager to help their sub reach their goal. But they’ll also want to think beyond that, and find more pleasures to explore within the agreed limits.
5. Self-control. If you’re someone who enjoys sex and is used to saying “Yes please” whenever your partner offers it, you may find this element of domination difficult. Part of the allure of a Dominant is they’re just out of reach until they decide otherwise, even when they clearly feel the heat. I’m not saying don’t have sex. I’m saying make sure it’s on your terms.
Finding Your Individual Domination Style
Hold these 5 values at the center of your exploration into domination. Possessing these qualities will give you a more solid foundation to build your dominant style on.
Different Styles of Domination
The kinky world would be a dull place if there were only one way to dominate. So forming your domination style is where keyholders can have some fun.
Just as there are different personality types, there are different domination types. The popular kink education site Kinkly identifies 6 styles to top. (To ‘top’ means to dominate.) And 4 of them lend themselves well to keyholding life partners.
- The Mentor - A dominant who uses consensual power exchange to guide, motivate, and be a positive influence on their submissive’s life.
- The Nobility - People of nobility and elite classes hold power. And so this style of domination is about channeling the refined, reserved characteristics of these upper classes. The nobility has a desire to execute their domination flawlessly and without remorse.
- The Wild Thing - Imagine you’re seeing your favorite band and they play your favorite song. As soon as you hear it, something in you is unleashed. You dance, sing, and holler in ways that make your friends see you in a whole new light. That’s the Wild Thing domination style. It’s cutting loose and unbottling a side of you that’s otherwise kept private.
- The Owner - As the name suggests, this style of domination is all-encompassing. It involves taking control of every aspect of your submissive, not just their caged cock. You may also control their finances, and decide what they wear, what they eat, when they speak, and so on. This style of domination needs clear boundaries, and there must be ongoing communication between Dom and sub.
Becoming dominant isn’t about turning your back on who you are in the vanilla world. Rather, it’s about finding a style that works in harmony with who you already are.
The beauty of these domination styles is you don’t have to fit neatly into any of them. As your experience grows, you may find your style has attributes that fall into more than one style. What’s important is finding what feels right for you and your personality. Becoming dominant isn’t about turning your back on who you are in the vanilla world. Rather, it’s about finding a style that works in harmony with who you already are.
Experiment, and use these models for inspiration.
Getting in Touch With Your Dominant Side
You now know the values, and that there are many different styles of domination. It’s time to try your hand at it.
This is what most new Dominants struggle with, especially those who have never considered this role before.
What follows are gentle suggestions to help ease you into the role. I’ve tried to list them in the order you’re likely to encounter the different phases as you explore your shiny new dominant side.
Decide What You Want From This
Once you’ve processed the initial request from your caged (or soon to be caged) partner, decide what you want out of this. For example, if it’s a role you only want to explore on weekends because your week is full of work, social, and family commitments, tell them. If the idea of your partner being in long-term chastity worries you because you love having sex with them, make sure you let them know. Together, you’ll be able to figure out a solution.
Knowing what you want from this before wholeheartedly assuming your role will feed your confidence. And when you can confidently ask for what you want, you’ll find the role much easier to fulfill.
Choose Your Title
Mistress, Goddess, Madame, Ma’am. Choose a title you’re comfortable hearing your partner call you. Nothing kills the mood faster than being greeted by a title that just doesn’t feel like you.
Wardrobe and Body Language
Think about a time in your vanilla life when you needed to feel confident. You may have been interviewing for a job, giving a talk, or even having dinner with your in-laws. What did you do to boost your confidence? Perhaps you chose your clothes a little more carefully, and picked an outfit you felt good in.
Do the same thing when you start exploring your Dom role. Wear clothes that make you feel sexy and powerful. You may even want to practice how you stand, walk, and carry yourself, and start choosing power poses. (Yes, this is something pro Doms in training are conscious of.)
Talk the Talk
No one wants to say the wrong thing, or to be laughed at when they’re trying to be serious. Ease yourself into this one by finding some sexy, kinky, arousing phrases you like the sound of, and then rehearse them in the mirror. When you’re ready, drop them into conversation with your partner. (If you’re still really nervous, send them as a text.) Take note of how they respond. You’ll soon get a feel for which words push their buttons (and which ones don’t).
Get Used to Saying “No”
Relationships focus a lot on making your partner happy. And that often means saying “Yes” to them. But if what makes them happy is being submissive to you, then you’ll need to learn to say “No”.
And in the early days, you’ll probably need to say it a lot.
Appeasing your submissive partner in the short term by always giving them what they want isn’t part of the D/s dynamic. You’re the Dominant. You‘re in control. And you decide when things happen. When your partner asks for something (such as sex or for you to unlock them), get used to saying “No” or “Not until I’m ready.”
Accept the Mistakes
Mistakes will happen. Whether it’s unlocking sooner than your partner expected, asking them to do something they’re not comfortable with, or saying something that kills the mood, don’t worry. You’re learning. You both are. Acknowledge the mistake, talk about it so you can unravel where it went wrong, and then move on.
Start With Small Instructions
To help find your voice when dishing out instructions, I suggest starting with small requests. Ask for things you’re comfortable with, and then build up the demands. For example, you may want a bath, and instruct your partner to run it for you. You can then build up to things like kissing your toes, giving you oral, or bending over because you want to spank them.
Practice, Time, and Learning
Becoming a Dominant keyholder isn’t something that happens overnight. And so expecting someone who’s never been naturally dominant before to suddenly step into this role is unrealistic, not to mention unfair to both of you. As much as you’ve been asked to embark on a journey with your partner as they explore their chastity fetish, you should be able to ask for support as you journey into the world of becoming a Dominant.
I hope my thoughts on the role of the dominant, the different domination styles, and the small, comfortable steps you can take to start exploring how it feels to be the Dominant one have been helpful.
You may now (or very soon) find yourself in one of two positions.
- You’re ready to start playing, in which case you can get some ideas for male chastity games on or delve a little deeper into Chastity BDSM through browsing our chastity blog.
- You’re ready to shop for a chastity cage with your soon-to-be-locked-up submissive, and so need to get those all-important male chastity device measurements.