Before we get started, it’s worth noting that most Lock The Cock blog readers are submissive. As such, most of this article has been written from a submissive’s perspective. With that said, let’s get into it.
Part of the fun of having a fetish is sharing it with like-minded people. Scratching that itch might mean going to a BDSM club, seeing a fetish professional, or finding people in your local area with similar tastes.
However, this real world, face-to-face connection isn’t for everyone. Finding connections online with the BDSM and fetish communities so you can stay in your home is often preferable and, we assume, safer. But the truth is, playing online comes with risks.
When the internet first became ‘a big thing’ we were very wary of scammers. The dangers were new, and warnings about putting bank details, credit card numbers, and personal data into The Machine were more frequent. But now that the internet is part of everyday life, and the security to protect our data has become more advanced, those warnings and personal safety rules from the 90s have all but disappeared.
Unfortunately, the number of people using the internet to take advantage of others hasn’t dwindled. In fact, according to an FBI report, online scams cost Americans $10.3 billion in 2022 – the highest amount in five years.
I’m not telling you this to create unnecessary fear, or to put you off exploring your pleasures online. Playing this way has a lot of benefits. And for some it’s the only option they have. But with so many stories about people being scammed, taken advantage of, or misled about who they’re playing with, it’s worth familiarizing yourself with some basic online safety rules. This way your play can stay pleasurable rather than becoming a source of anxiety.
Applying the RACK Mantra to Online Play
RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Widely used by the BDSM community, RACK acknowledges that some forms of BDSM and fetish play come with unavoidable risks. Play only progresses when those involved acknowledge the risks and still give their enthusiastic consent.
The RACK framework protects those who engage in face-to-face BDSM and fetish play. But there’s no reason why it can’t be applied to online fetish play as well.
A simple example we can apply to our world of fetish chastity might be the risk of erectile dysfunction after being subjected to long-term chastity, but still consenting to having your cock locked for weeks or months.
This framework protects those who engage in face-to-face BDSM and fetish play. But there’s no reason why it can’t be applied to online fetish play as well. Whether you’re Dominant or submissive (D/s), you should make sure you both know the risks involved in your play before consenting to take part.
Let’s explore this idea using the practice of financial domination.
When Findom Goes Wrong
Financial domination (‘findom’ for short) is when a Dominant receives money from a submissive. The kick, as with most D/s play, is the financial disempowerment of the submissive. Transferring money is really easy (it can now be done in a few clicks), which makes findom a great candidate for online fetish play.
So how does RACK apply in this scenario?
First, we need to understand the risks both parties face.
For submissives the risks are:
- Losing financial control.
- Committing to making ongoing payments as a sign of servitude to the Dom.
For Dominants, the risks include:
- Being asked (or pestered) for something in return (such as a photo).
- Chargebacks, or being accused of stealing money.
- Potentially putting someone in financial difficulty if they haven’t been completely honest.
Having a conversation can help avoid these pitfalls. As with all fetish play, understanding the other person’s boundaries, knowing what they do and don’t consent to, and playing within those limits keeps play safe. I’ll expand on this idea in the red flag section shortly.
People get caught out when they sacrifice this negotiation time to chase the warm fuzzies of sending or receiving money. The temptation to deposit money into a hot Dom’s account without some level of due diligence can be hard to overcome. But in a worst-case scenario, not spending some time assessing the risks or having a conversation with the person you’re sending money to can increase the chance of being scammed and having your account drained, which was never their intention.
Findom can be an easy way to make money. And people who aren’t really a financial Dominatrix have cottoned onto this. As such, the scene is drowning in so-called professional financial Dominatrixes.
Findom Red Flags
If paying tributes to a financial Dominatrix gets you off, there are signs that can help you distinguish between those who give a shit about their paypigs and those looking to make a quick buck even if it puts you at financial risk.
Red flags to look out for include:
- Social media accounts that post nothing but insults.
- Being constantly hassled for more money after you’ve made a payment.
- Language that shows they’re not that into it.
- Threats to your livelihood or family.
- Indications they’re in financial strife.
As with any BDSM play, respect goes both ways. For Dominants, fin sub red flags can include:
- Refusing to negotiate.
- Asking to give away all of their money.
- Requesting exclusive content.
Talking about limits and understanding what both people want from the arrangement is key. If there’s no agreement on this, be wary.
An extra word of warning. Financial domination, or being a paypig, can be addictive. If it starts affecting your mental health or wellbeing, or you find you can’t stop, seek support.
Avoid Being Caught by a Catfish
‘Catfishing’ is when someone uses another person’s online information and images to create a new identity. They then strike up conversations to fool people into doing business with them, handing over money, or disclosing personal information.
Sadly, I’ve seen several high-profile Dominants have their identity stolen. The catfish then goes after unsuspecting subs, duping them out of money or divulging sensitive information that could be used against them. It’s professionally humiliating and awkward for the pro Dom, and devastating for those who are catfished.
Feelings of humiliation, the hurt of being lied to, and the fear you’ve handed personal details, information, images and videos to a complete stranger are just some of the risks associated with being catfished.
Catfish Red Flags
Signs you may be ensnared by a catfish include them:
- Having very few friends or followers on social media, and a low engagement rate.
- Refusing calls or video calls, and wanting only text-based communications (emails, texts).
- Constantly canceling phone or video calls.
- Asking for money or gifts out of the blue (assuming it’s not part of the service you’re seeking).
- Not sharing many details about themselves for fear of being caught in a lie.
Other signs might be:
- Trying to verify their identity on other sites (their own website, popular fetish or BDSM community sites, for example), and not finding them or any photos/identities that match.
- All their photos looking professional, without so much as a single selfie.
If you think you’re being catfished, report the account to the relevant platform. Most sites, especially social media platforms, give you the option to report fake or scam accounts.
And then block and delete the account.
Already made a payment to them? Try to stop or reverse the transaction. You’ll need to speak with your financial provider or bank for the steps to take based on your circumstances.
Ditching the Online Dominant
Playing with a Dominant online may feel safer than seeing someone in a dungeon or club setting. But this is a common misconception. Dominant abuses of power can, and do, happen online. Just because you’re not tied to a St David’s Cross having your balls kicked doesn’t mean you’re immune to hurt. Good domination relies on stimulating the mind just as much as physically stimulating your senses. And that’s what can make it so dangerous and damaging. An abuse of power from a fake or inexperienced Dominant can put your mental health at risk.
Dominant abuses of power can, and do, happen online. Just because you’re not tied to a St David’s Cross having your balls kicked doesn’t mean you’re immune to hurt.
Abuse of Power Red Flags
If you experience any of the following, it’s time to ditch the Dominant (or have a conversation to address the issues and maintain enthusiastic consent).
- They’re not willing to chat about your boundaries and limits.
- They ask things of you you’re not comfortable with, or do things to you without your consent.
- The relationship becomes all-consuming to the point that it affects other areas of your life (e.g. your work, your finances, needing medical treatment).
- There’s no dialogue or opportunities for renegotiation as your D/s relationship progresses. (Every relationship changes over time.)
- They ask you to cut ties with friends and/or family, either in or beyond the BDSM community.
- They threaten to abandon you to keep you in line or get their way, suggesting they don’t value your submission.
- They give or buy you things to encourage you to push your boundaries.
Good Checks to Make
Protecting yourself during online fetish play is easier if you’re looking for a professional rather than to make personal connections. For example, checking someone’s credentials is simpler if they have a website and a stack of testimonials from happy submissives, and are established on both mainstream social media and the BDSM community sites and forums.
Finding Legitimate Dominants and Keyholding Services
I realize a lot of this article may make you feel it’s all doom and gloom, or that I’ve portrayed Dominants as always being the bad folk. But they’re not. So let me redress the balance.
There are lots of amazing Dominants—professional and non-professional—and so we should also focus on the signs that you’re onto a winner.
To find a Dominant you vibe with, and who will have your sexual interests and satisfaction at their heart, here’s what you should look for.
- Read the information they provide on their social media, websites, email newsletters, blogs, and so on. This is your way of getting to know them so you can work out whether their character and style of domination are right for you.
- Think about their location. This sounds odd, but Dominants who talk about sessioning in specified dungeons or areas (even just the state they’re in) and offer some sort of face-to-face experience (even if that’s not what you’re after) are more likely to be the real deal.
- Are they open for conversation? Satisfying domination and submission relies on communication. If they’re not willing to talk to you and establish boundaries and limits that work for both of you, you’ll both be playing in the dark.
There’s Fetish Fun to Be Had Online
Safely exploring your fetishes online needs just as much care and attention as it does in real life. Realizing and respecting this can lead to satisfying kinky relationships. And it minimizes your chances of encountering a catfish, fake findom, or abusive Dominant.
Connecting with the chastity community, where experiences that span the chastity fetish and beyond are shared, is a great way to find safe spaces online where you can talk to, engage with, and play with like-minded people.
Now go and have fun.