Sometimes being an adult is far too serious.
Fortunately, as a member of the BDSM community you have kinky playtimes to look forward to.
But whether you’re Dominant, submissive, or switch between the two, the anticipation before play and intense sensations while playing can be physically and emotionally draining. Returning to your vanilla duties immediately after a scene can be brutal.
Which is why BDSM aftercare is so important.
Like all high-octane activities that get the blood pumping and heart racing, you need time to cool down and reset once you’re done. After a workout, you might stretch. After a tough day at the office, you might meditate (or go to the bar). And after any BDSM play you should probably take some aftercare time to come down from your Dom/sub high.
But what exactly is ‘aftercare’? And how do you do it?
In this guide you’ll find out:
- What BDSM aftercare is.
- Why it’s important for both subs and Doms.
- What it might look and feel like for you and your play partner.
- How to start including it as part of your BDSM play sessions.
Bdsm and Fetish Play Can Be Very Intense
Bondage, domination, and sadomasochistic games are a breather from vanilla life. They let you explore physical and mental sensations you wouldn’t otherwise, resulting in a very intense experience.
How the body and mind react to BDSM play depends on the individual as well as the nature of the scene. But generally speaking, most scenes include some level of stress.
That stress could be physical, such as arms being tied above the head or being suspended in the air by ropes. Or it could be mental, such as roleplaying a consensual non-consent scene. When you experience stress, your body releases cortisol, endorphins, and adrenaline. This concoction of natural chemicals buzzing around the body can affect how your brain receives and accepts pain. Neuroscientist and sadist Hermes SolenzolIt believes it can even make pain feel pleasurable.
Encountering such powerful physical sensations and emotions can be confronting. But it can also be beautifully liberating. And it’s this liberation from any other thought than those connected to the ‘right here, right now’ of the scene that can lead to a place called ‘subspace’.
What Is Subspace?
Subspace is the altered state of mind a submissive partner can experience during play. Here’s how Dr Brad Sagarin, a professor of social psychology leading the team at The Science of BDSM, describes subspace.
‘Bottoms [the people who are bound, receiving stimulation, and/or following orders] show evidence of an altered state associated with a temporary impairment of the brain’s executive function capability accompanied by feelings of floating, peacefulness, time distortion, and living in the here and now.’
Dr Sagarin goes on to say that if and when a Dominant experiences an altered state of mind, they tend to experience perfect flow – ‘a highly pleasurable mental state associated with focused attention, a loss of self-consciousness, and optimal performance.’ (You may hear this referred to as ‘top space.’)
Reaching subspace or top space may not happen during every BDSM session. And it’s not a big deal if it doesn’t. It’s a bit like sex and orgasms. You can have a fulfilling and enjoyable experience even if you don’t experience the Big O.
What Goes up Must Come Down
But elevated feelings of dreamy amazingness can’t last forever. The adrenaline and endorphins your brain and body produce during play start to decrease once the stimulation stops. And if the sensations you were reveling in stop too suddenly, you may experience ‘sub drop’ or ‘top drop’.
Drops can leave you feeling sad, tearful, and emotionally low. It’s very similar to post-coital dysphoria after sex. But BDSM drops can also lead to physical manifestations such as body shakes, headaches, and nausea. Coming down steadily from the height of a scene and engaging in BDSM aftercare can lessen (if not prevent) the symptoms.
Bdsm Aftercare Is a Chance to Unwind
Aftercare is the steps you and your play partner take to bring yourself back to reality. How you do that depends on your relationship, closeness, and boundaries. Here are 9 BDSM aftercare suggestions that may work for you and your partner.
Aftercare is the steps you and your play partner take to bring yourselves back to reality.
1 - Tending to Wounds or Injuries
Leaving marks on the skin is a boundary that should be discussed before play begins. But if it’s agreed that the spanking, whipping, or bondage you indulge in can leave marks, your aftercare may involve treating them. Offering a damp, cool cloth or applying a moisturizing lotion may feel lovely and soothe the skin.
2 - Cuddling, Kissing, and Affectionate Strokes
Things may be said and done during a scene that fit the style of play but don’t necessarily reflect how you feel about each other. Cuddling, kissing, or gently stroking your partner’s chest, arm or head offers reassurance that all is well between you both.
3 - Sleeping
As with any physical or mental activity, BDSM play can leave you feeling exhausted. So your aftercare may be as simple as giving yourself permission to sleep. A 20-minute power nap may be all it takes.
4 - Taking a Shower or Bath
Whether it’s to ease aches and pains, refresh and revive yourself, or unwind after the intensity of a scene, taking a bath or shower (with or without your partner) is a great BDSM aftercare tonic.
5 - Offering Blankets and Comfortable Clothing
Being held in position, probed with toys, and generally exposed during a scene can leave a submissive feeling exposed. Once the scene is over, there may be a great urge to want to cover up. Having loose-fitting clothing nearby and blankets to wrap yourselves in can feel welcoming, safe, and comfortable, as well as help calm the nervous system.
6 - Having Something to Eat and Drink
Play may last an hour or more. And while you can pause to have something to eat and drink, it may not always be practical. Have water and snacks ready for afterwards so you can rehydrate and replenish your energy levels.
7 - Chatting
A lot can happen during a scene, and BDSM aftercare time is an opportunity to talk about it. It’s a chance for each of you to share:
- What you liked.
- What you didn’t like.
- What worked well.
- How you felt during different parts of the scene—physically and emotionally.
Chatting as part of aftercare may be especially important if the scene included humiliation play such as small penis humiliation. Saying hurtful things, or being on the receiving end of them, can affect different people in different ways. Discussing what was said, and acknowledging that you don’t really think or feel those things, may be important for both Doms and subs.
8 - Listening to Music or Watching TV
Ideally the music, film, or TV show you put on will help you relax. You may choose something you’ve heard or watched a thousand times before so you can easily take comfort in the familiarity of it.
9 - Meditating and Breathing
Whether you want to slow your heart rate, release any areas of tension, or take a quiet moment to process what’s just happened, being still in meditation and focusing on your relaxed breathing is a chance to do it.
Enjoy Your Aftercare Time, Don’t Rush It
Aftercare is something most professional Dominants include in their session time. They have a duty and a responsibility to make sure their submissive is well enough to return to their vanilla life. They also need a chance to decompress after planning and executing the scene.
If BDSM aftercare is new to you and your partner, start talking about it a few days before your next play session. Think about how you might like to unwind, and then work out a way to move from the end of the scene into your new aftercare routine.
Recovery time will depend on the individual, as well as the kind of play you experienced. You may only need 15 minutes after a bit of light bondage. But if you’re recovering from an intense spanking you may need an hour or more.
It may even be worth considering extended aftercare. For some Doms and subs, drops can come hours or days after a scene has finished (a bit like the holiday blues). Checking in with your play partner a day or two later shows great heart and great care.
Ready to Play?
You now know what BDSM aftercare is, and why it’s important for maintaining your physical and mental health. You also have some ideas about what type of aftercare may work for you.
All that’s left to do now is start playing. And if you’re into BDSM and liked this article, you may also enjoy the following:
